Column Mimic

Rishi Ambani

Mrs.Cronin

Column Mimic

05 May 2014

A Message to my Fellow Ballers

In the style of, “Advice, like youth, probably just wasted on young.”

I know most of us can’t wait to get on stage wearing the hat of your favorite basketball team. The realization that you have gotten drafted is unreal, that’s because for most of us it is. For those of you though who plan to get drafted, I have some advice. I know most of my fellow, so called, “Ballers,” are often found saying, “Yo, I am going to be the next LeBron.” Well for you so called, “Ballers,” I have a couple words of advice.

Sunscreen.

If you do ever go pro you need to look good for the camera. What do most NBA players have?  No, they don’t have skill. They are just kids who have an excessive amount of tattoos and people who think they look good. To help you look good you need to use your sunscreen. You might spend a couple of hours working on your jump shot, and you don’t want to get darker and darker.  Wear sunscreen and keep your radiant complexion in-tact. I can’t help you with the tattoo thing, but just wear your sunscreen. Even if you miss the game winning layup, you will keep on getting fans and money, as long as your skin shines as bright as your Ferrari.

Flopping Skills.

Everyone wants to be the king, and what is he known for? No, he is not known for his game winning buzzer beaters.  If you ever go and watch a Miami Heat game you will see the king go to work by flopping, flopping, and oh yeah did I mention flopping?  It has an uncanny resemblance to fish out of water. If you do go to the game, don’t forget to take your fishing poll. You might be able to catch the 200+ pound, 6’9 LeBron fish.  Don’t forget your frying pan, if the fish is caught, fish sticks could be served to everyone in the arena.

Confidence.

LeBron is almost as good as me in basketball, so I can honestly tell you that the most important thing needed to be like him is confidence. Do this. Look in the mirror, tell yourself this, “You are the most handsome guy ever, you have so much skill, you are practically the Beyoncé of basketball.” Tell yourself that for 30 minutes straight every day for a year. Trust me; the skill will just come to you. I tried this drill and now I can dunk on a 7’5 hoop. Thinking that I am 4’11 with tiny arms, I am pretty sure I got the LeBron vertical down.

If you so called, “Ballers,” out there read this to hopefully become the next LeBron. I can’t guarantee anything except for the fact that you wasted about 5 minutes of your life reading this. Instead you could have gone outside and worked on your jump shot. I am not saying this is not helpful advice, I am just saying your dream is bad. No, no, don’t get me wrong here. It’s not bad that you want to be a great basketball player; in fact I support you all the way. It is bad that you are chasing the dream of becoming the next LeBron James, and that is not possible. You can have as much skill as you need but you will not become the next LeBron James, you will stay who you are. If you are Billy Bob, boy I could win a million dollars on the bet that you will remain Billy Bob even after you become the best basketball player ever. Don’t chase after the hopes to be someone you will never be, chase your dream to be the best at whatever you want to be.